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" T h e S o a p b o x "

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A WHOLE DIFFERENT LANGUAGE ?

S O A P B O X

Por razones obvias, la siguiente historia no será traducida al inglés ... ˇo cualquier otro idioma!

AMERICANESE

Once upon a time, there was a little TWERP who was a BIG MAN in the RACKETS - TOP DOG in his territory. The FLATFOOTS caught him FLAT-FOOTED and RED-HANDED when he was trying to make a PAY-OFF to the FUZZ. He had a FAT CHANCE (which is the same as a SLIM CHANCE) of BEATING THE RAP since his MOUTHPIECE was ON THE OUTS with the crooked POLS. So, off to the POKEY he went TO DO TIME for the CAPER.

In STIR, he GAVE SOME SKIN to a PAL who had SKINNED a SHILL. Together, they DREAMED UP a SCAM to STING the judge who had THROWN THE BOOK AT them and SENT THEM UP THE RIVER for a LONG STRETCH.

Now, the shill - an UNDERDOG - was a SONGBIRD, a real STOOLIE who had RATTED on his BUDDIES, hoping TO MAKE IT with one of the BABES in the little twerp's STABLE. When the FLAKY shill GOT WIND OF the ACTION in the BIG HOUSE, he had PIPE DREAMS and decided TO CUT HIMSELF IN ON the KILL - there wasn't any LOVE LOST between him and SMOKY BEAR. If he READ IT RIGHT, there was going to be plenty of DOUGH when the twerp and his pal PUT THE SQUEEZE ON the judge. With his part of the LOOT he would be SITTING PRETTY and everything would COME UP ROSES in a new PAD away from the HEAT.

What the shill FIGURED ON were the CONNECTIONS that the twerp had with the TOP BANANA who was RIDING HIGH on the COAT-TAILS of the BIG FROG IN THE POND that RAN THE SHOW. (The shill was ONTO them before they began.) BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL, the shill didn't LET ANY GRASS GROW UNDER HIS FEET. He TOOK THE BULL BY THE HORNS, planning carefully TO MAKE HIS MOVE when the TIME WAS RIPE. Then, he intended to DOUBLE-DEAL and SELL OUT the twerp and his pal after they PUT THE MAKE ON the judge.

This was the DEAL: The twerp, a GAY BLADE, thought himself to be a true BEAU BRUMMELL. Upon BEING SPRUNG from the HOOSEGOW, he planned to MAKE THE ACQUAINTANCE OF the judge's daughter, a SPACED-OUT GAL who HUNG OUT with a MOB from the WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS. This SQUIRRELY DAME wanted to MAKE THE BIG TIME in SHOW BIZ. All she needed was someone to SHOW HER THE ROPES because she was a real LOOKER - not just an ordinary BROAD that nobody GAVE THE TIME OF DAY. She'd GO FAR after the first RUNG UP THE LADDER. Her main HANG-UP was a weakness for NE'ER-DO-WELLS like the top banana's son. The twerp was sure that "t.b." could FIX HIM UP with her. After that, it would be SMOOTH SAILING ... TO EXCHANGE FAVORS and WORM HIS WAY INTO her GOOD GRACES. Once IN HIS POWER, the twerp was sure she would do anything TO GO PLACES and meet THE RIGHT PEOPLE. Later, for a price, to avoid scandal, the twerp would TAKE A DIVE and FADE OUT OF THE PICTURE. The CHICK would go home to her OLD MAN; the twerp and his pal would SQUIRREL AWAY the JACK; and everyone would LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

This is how it really CAME OFF: The shill BEAT the twerp TO THE PUNCH. He PUT THE KIBOSH ON the twerp's plan and SNITCHED to the judge; GOT HITCHED to the judge's daughter, and SET OFF for PARTS UNKNOWN. When last seen, the TWOSOME was HEADED FOR Mexico RIDING HELL-BENT FOR LEATHER, PALAVERING about some language school - INTER-something-or-other.

The moral of this story: DON'T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS BEFORE THEY'RE HATCHED and DON'T TAKE ANY WOODEN NICKELS. (Also, don't believe this WEIRDO'S story - it's a lot of HOKUM. Besides, my father won't pay ONE RED CENT. He doesn't CARE A FIG about what GOBBLEDYGOOK these COTTON-PICKIN' FINGERS write.)

Only a tiny fraction of the slang and idioms used in the U.S.A. appears here. If your favorites are missing, you can put them in the proper places!

- C. Stark (División, Interlingua, Mexico City D.F., 1982)

 
THIS IS THE "FUNNY STUFF" PAGE. WE NOW HAVE PAGE TITLES - thank you, thank you ... somebody!  ALSO, I CAN NOW CHANGE THE COLOR OF THE TEXT . . . only with the MS Explorer browser, NOT with Netscape 6.2!!!